I know something you don't know
by lainshadow
Summary: Funny challenge fic, see first chapter for challenge details. Includes some slash, Refrences to lemons and bad language.Voldemort's newest plan is to drive Harry insane.
1. Prologue

Hi Lain! I got a Harry Potter fanfic oneshot challenge for you.

Here's what it must have:

Ron in a pink Tutu  
+ A Harry-Draco-Blaise-Ginny (not necessarily in that order) Love Rectangle  
+ Pansy and EDIT drunk one night stand  
+ 2 characters (who aren't in a pairing) change EDIT  
+ A crossover with either EDIT, EDIT or EDIT  
+ Voldemort and Death Eaters having a tea party  
+ 1 character gets a tattoo  
+ 1 character dies, becomes a ghost and no one notices  
+ The fic must end with EDITED BY LAINSHADOW SO NOT TO SPOIL  
+ 1 character must find Filch with one of the female teachers doing 'adult things',in Moaning Myrtle's toilet.

Good Luck

-Firebird Maximus

Lain would like to apologise for her editing at this time. She shall post the un-edited version of Firebird's challenge as an epiloge.


	2. Lucius' POV

Hey! I'm Lain Shadow and this wonderfull little fic is a challenge from my friend FireBird Maximus! It's really supposed to be a oneshot but I'm doing it as a multi-part to  
keep track of where I am! So please read and enjoy! Comments and Critisisms are also welcome, as well as pointing out anything that dosn't add up or spelling errors.

Harry Potter does not belong to me as should be obvious that the URL states FANFICTION and not FICTIONPRESS

"I have to say…" He began, sipping at the peppermint tea.  
"That this has been my best plan to date." His hooded companions murmured in agreement, not that they were allowed to disagree anyway.

The trees were swaying softly in the autumn wind as the last of the leaves violently swerved to the ground.  
The men, in various states of peace, were all sipping hot peppermint tea with honey. It had been a long time since they had enjoyed such good weather with their Lord.

Lucius looked at Mr. Snuggles who was sitting next to him. Well, lying next to him. It seemed as if that last breeze had knocked him to the ground.  
He went to pick him up, hoping his Lord hadn't noticed.

He had.

"Lucius!" Voldemort shot up from his seat, livid. "What is the meaning of this? Mr. Snuggles has always been such a polite guest!"

Lucius cringed. He had thought Mr. Snuggles could handle it! He wasn't that old!

"I apologise my Lord, I shall be having words when we get back." He glared at his stuffed companion.  
"I shall not bring him again; I believe that last breeze was just a tad to strong."

Voldemort sniffed. "See to it. Maybe you should let him observe Flopsie's behaviour more often."

Nott straightened in his chair; he also straightened the pink bunny known as Flopsy that sat next to him. Lucius glared.

"The only reason Mr. Snuggles is not dead is because today is a good day and good days have good things in them." His Lord explained.  
Lucius nodded. It was a perfectly logical thought. Voldemort sat back down again and light chatter resumed.

He noticed Severus getting a little twitchy. Severus always got a little twitchy at these sorts of meetings. It was probably because his teddy was new and un-trained. Lucius wondered what had happened to Severus' last teddy, Shi. Draco had found a black teddy head in Severus' office but surely Severus wouldn't have been that cruel. Lucius feared for the black bunny known as Chi.

A/N Regarding the names of Sev's teddies: Shi means 4 or death and chi, blood. (With my limited Japanese). And does anyone have another name befitting a teddy  
belonging to Sev? Or maybe it can be a present?


	3. Harry's POV

Harry Potter woke up with a scream. Now, Harry Potter didn't usually scream but this was a special case, his worst fears had just been confirmed.

The week had started well enough, Hermione and Ron had been bearable, Malfoy tolerable, then it had all taken a gigantic, huge, GINORMOUS turn for the worse.

He had REALLY needed the loo on the way from charms to potions. He knew he wouldn't be able to hold it and he didn't want to give Snape the satisfaction of taking points off Gryffindor so he had sprinted ahead of the others and rushed to the second floor:

To Moaning Myrtles bathroom. He was REALLY desperate.

Thinking back on it, he should have known that there was a reason guys didn't use the female toilets. He should have known God would have punished him for it.

He didn't want to know why, how or when it had started and he didn't want to know either. He had just stood there, eyes wide as Umbridge pressed Filch up against one of the sinks and proceeded to make out with him…Or……Was she….Harry slammed the door shut and ran for his life.. It was THE most singularly disturbing thing he had ever seen. Now permenently scarred, he hadn't offered anything more than an auto-reply for the corresponding week when he was shaken out of his stupor by another unforgettable event.

Draco Malfoy in leather pants.

Now Draco was hot in everything he wore but it had taken the leather pants for Harry to realise how much he wanted the blonde. He had always had bouts of love towards the other boy but it had always been a passing feeling. Now it wouldn't go away.

Another problem to deal with. Why Malfoy had chosen to wear those PARTICULAR trousers out on the Hogsmead trip Harry didn't know but it apparently had something to do with seducing Blaise Zabini. A very nice STRAIGHT guy who was currently drooling over a picture of Ginny who had been freezing her ass off in a skirt several sizes too small for the chilly autumn weather and a piece of cloth better suited to summer as she pranced around the village fluttering her eyelashes at him. An OUT OF THE CLOSET homosexual, who was apparently in love with Draco Malfoy.

That was fucked up. Who had ever heard of a love RECTANGLE?


	4. Draco's POV

Anyone with two eyes could have told you that Blaise Zabini was hot and that I was hot too. Anyone with a weak will could have told you he was straight. Anyone with common sense could have told you that the weaselette was stalking Potter and not going to stop any time soon.

Logical conclusion?

Date me!

I mean, what don't I have? Handsome! Good looking! ROLLING in money! And intelligent!

See what I mean?

So I decided to seduce him. I knew that I looked good in leather trousers and I was going to flaunt it. The bastard didn't even notice me! It just meant I had to try harder.

So I organised a party naturally! Well, Pansy was having one anyway so I can't really take credit for the actual party but if there had been no party currently being planned I would have organised one.

Unfortunately for me all parties are now inter-house parties as that's the only way the teachers will ignore what's going on. So I also had to put up with Potter and his cronies also there.

Eventually a game was, well, not organised, agreed upon?

Spin the bottle. THE most immature game in the world. 14 year olds played spin the bottle not fucking 16-18's! Come ON! It was interesting though.

Weaselette confessed her feelings for Potter. Although he wasn't there at the time so it wasn't as funny as it could have been but still. Quite a few people laughed at her for that. Not for the confession, but the way she had thought Goyle was Harry and had serenaded him drunkenly with some muggle song about 'a shining, shimmering, splendid world that I can show you.' Oh, and she called Goyle a Princess. It really didn't suit him, although I must admit it suited Potter, he's a raging homosexual and a bit of a ponce.

So Weasley, thinking we were all laughing at her threatened to kill herself. Thing is that we were all to pissed to care or think straight. That and most of the people who actually cared about her were passed out or had gone home. I will revise my judgement about Zabini, he may have been hot but he was out after half a bottle of firewhisky. What a lightweight.

Potter however had to be dragged back by his two friends as they were afraid for his liver. Drunken idiots must have forgotten the key word. MAGIC! I could hear Potter trying to remind them of it all down the hall.

Ugh, Pansy had finally accepted my gayness and had decided to be gay to it seemed. She was snogging Lovegood in the corner. Ugh. Oh Merlin, I just remembered seeing them stagger towards the girls' dorm. I SAT on Pansy's bed yesterday and they had….Ugh!

So yeah, not really sure what happened to Weaselette, don't really care either. Apparently she once locked herself in the toilet for a week after Potter came out of the closet. Weasels are weird.


	5. Ginny's POV

I don't BELIEVE IT! I've been dead for over 3 days now and no one cares!

Okay, so I made a mistake, I really SHOULN'T have killed myself and become a ghost but Harry's worth it! But APPARENTLY he doesn't care about me at all!

I keep trying to tap him on the shoulder and get his attention but he just shivers, waves me off and goes back to watching Malfoy!

I think Zabini might care that I'm dead but he's gone somewhere or other since that stupid party and I haven't seen him since. Merlin! Men!

I think Pansy and Luna had the right idea, they had a one night stand and then went straight back to life as normal. But it's so UN-romantic! I wish Harry would care, I always thought that when he defeated You-Know-Who he would come and get me and we would live happily ever after with our children without having to lift a finger, just living off the Potter fortune and media attention.

My perfect plan gone to waste in a drunken fit.

Merlin Luna and Pansy are hot together. Although they should have noticed me watching…..

Then again they were drunk…..

Slytherin dorms are so much nicer than ours…..

Why the hell is Neville in a skirt?


	6. Neville's POV

This is why I don't like potions, for the entire week I'm going to be stuck in Lavender's body until Snape brews a cure. I bet this was Malfoy's fault.

Lavender won't talk to me. She's shut herself in her dorm and refuses to come out. I think I might just go do the same. I bet Harry already knows, he seems to know everything lately.

How am I going to explain this to Nan?


	7. Harry's POV 2

I'm going to go insane.

I know EVERYTHING!

And no I'm not being egotistical, it's TRUE! I know every single bit of recent gossip that's been going round! It's freaky. I knew that Draco fancied Blaise, Blaise Ginny and Ginny me but apparently no-one else has figured it out! It's obvious to me!

Umbridge and Filch, McGonnagle and Hagrid, Sinistra and Vincent Crabbe AND Gregory Goyle AND I know how that relationship started! All I had to think was:

'I don't want to know how that happened'

Next thing I know I overhear Crabbe and Goyle talking about it!!

I even know that Pansy and Luna were involved that one time at the Slytherin party. Don't ask me how! I just know!

Oh Merlin. Snape was just talking to Dumbledore…..Seems as if Neville and Lavender have swapped bodies for the week. AND IT ONLY HAPPENED 5 FREAKING MINUTES AGO!

I think the only thing I don't know is where Ginny is. Weird, she's usually where she can find me.

Maybe she finally twigged I was gay, in that case I remember what happened last time, not good.

There's more, but it's too disturbing to bother anyone else with. Merlin, I don't want to know how these things happen.

Oh hell. I don't believe I just said that.


	8. Severus' POV

I do NOT approve of You-Know-Who. I am actually prepared to kill myself at this point. I refuse to sit through anymore of those 'tea-parties'. He's supposed to be THE DARK LORD for Merlin's sake! Do you want to know who the latest recruit is?

A sponge. A PURE sponge I may add. I don't know how He got him to join us but he's some sort of muggle cook, apparently his food kills. It's disgusting what he cooks on that grill. I believe it.

But really, a life-sized muggle minded sponge….Apparntly some witch used some long forgotten spell to give a particular part of the sea named 'Bikini Bottom' human characteristics, that incorporates sponges….That wear shorts.

He's at Hogwarts now, working in the kitchens. I think he may have been ordered to put something 'special' into someone's food. I'll talk to him later. Stupid sponge would probably tell anyone if they asked him.

The 'teddy' is burning. Like the last one and the one before and the one before that. Why I'm still in service to either side I do not know.

Dumbledore enjoys his 'tea-parties' just as much as my Lord does…

A/N. POV stands for Point OF View, just for those people who may not know…


	9. Spongebob's POV?

I'm so happy! I always told Squidward that magic could exist if we believed in it but this is too much! I'm going to tell Patrick and Gary all about it when I get home. They can even make things float!

Ooooooh! I'm on a secret mission! I can't tell anyone! I was ordered by Mr. My Lord to put…Heheh! I can't tell you! It's a secret!

I told one person though….He was scary! He said that he had forgotten so I told him all about the spice and Harry Potter's food and then…..Ooops!

Don't tell anyone! Pinky Promise!!!

A/N. Not really happy with this one I tried to get into Spongebob's mind…But it's SCAAAARY in there!


	10. Draco's POV 2

Haha, Longbottom finally managed to swap bodies back with Lavender. If I were him I would swap schools, even some of the Griffindors are laughing at him. Sadly it wasn't my idea but who-ever slipped that into his drink is a genius.

I COMPLETELY retract what I said about Blaise. He's off his goddamned rocker. Any one can see the Harry Potter has no intrest at all in Ginny Weasly be she dead or alive, so why in the seven HELLS Blaise decided to punch him in the middle of the Great Hall is an absolute mystery!

I can understand love/like/lust WHATEVER! But that doesn't account for being bloody blind! Really! I think he thought Potter might have her locked up or something because no-one's seen the weasel for over a month and it's now nearly Christmas.

And for some reason Harry Potter KISSED me! And I LIKED it! And then he got this smug look that looked REALLY good on him and just walked away. Like he KNEW I had liked it!

Since Blaise has turned out to be a complete arse I don't think it's a bad thing though.


	11. Harry's POV 3

I KISSED Draco! And he LIKED it! I was so damn happy about that, neither of us are going home for breck so I'll wait 'till then to make another move. I still don't believe I actually had the gut's to do it. Maybe Blaise's punch did something to my head.

I'm getting a little worried now….Where is Ginny?


	12. Ginny's POV 2

This school is a lot more interesting than I give it credit for. Did you know that Voldemort's currently hiding out in Hogsmede building his army to launch an attack at Christmas?

No, I'm the only one who knows right now but I would be happy to share the information if someone would only LISEN to me. Well, Myrtle does….but she doesn't know that I'm dead, you would think seeing someone float through a wall would give you a hint but I don't think Myrtle's fully registered her own death yet. NOT that I will ever set foot in that toilet block again! I did not need to know that about Filch or Umbridge. I mean…Ewwww!

Did you hear that Blaise punched Harry for me? Thought I was locked up somewhere. Weird guy.

Now that I'm dead I'm coming to realise quite a bit more about people than I did before. Like the reason WHY you should chew with your mouth closed.


	13. Interlude

"Say that again?"

"A tattoo, of a bat, on my back!"

Severus groaned.

"Why?"

"Because the guy said it would look really good with low rise jeans!"

"God Draco, have you told your Father?"

"He has a tattoo on his arm so I don't see why it should matter."

Snape stared at his godson, aghast.

"Get out."

"Wha? Sev-"

"Get out."

Draco grumbled but did as he was told.

Snape sighed as the door to his chambers closed and he leaned back in his chair, a wine glass dangling from his fingers. He inhaled the rich scent of the wine and brought it to his lips…

And it promptly fell to the ground.

"Curses, curses and curses once more!" Snape cried hurrying out of the door to answer his Lord's summons.

A/N. Meh, Interlude I guess, I was a lil sick of writing POV's so I thought I'd break it up a lil. Kinda regretting it now… 


	14. Harry's POV 4

We've won the battle. The war is over and Draco and I have something going, I think it was the tattoo that finally did it, I couldn't resist. He was wearing these low rise jeans and I sort of jumped him. And then he wore the same jeans the next day so I took that as an invite. I love jeans.

Oh right, the 'final battle' etc. yeah…

It turned out that I wasn't going crazy. Voldemort had snuck a sponge into Hogwarts to poison my food with this Indian spice of omniscience or something. Poor sponge nearly flooded the castle with tears when he realised he had done something wrong, we've wiped his memory and sent him home.

The whole 'drive Potter crazy' plan didn't really work out as it let me predict Voldie's battle strategy, which for some reason included plush toys but I REALLY don't want to go into that.

In the end he died from asphyxiation. I never knew a tickling hex could be so dangerous!

The battle (and I know I shouldn't say this) was pretty damn funny. It happened the same day Draco got his tattoo, I should know as that was the second time he wore those leather pants. It was the Christmas costume dance and he had gone as some French aristocrat Rei Balzac I think. I was trying to get them OFF him at the time. It was also memorable as Ron was in a tutu. A pink frilly one that you see in shops that mother's buy to dress up their little darlings in for Halloween, I think Hermione had something to do with that but I'm not really sure….I don't want to know either.

SEE! I can say that and not cringe now! That took me so long to get over, you would not BELIEVE what Draco and I had to go through to get me this far.

So yeah, people from Hogwarts were all over the grounds in an array of Christmas costumes and I (in a 19th century wizard costume) confronted Voldemort on the banks of the lake. I knew he'd be there, as I knew everything at the time. I also knew that he was going to kill me (duh) or at least try and kill me, so I flung the first hex I could think of at him, pre-emptive strike and all that.

God, I nearly died in that battle for the same reason as Voldie. Have you ever seen someone laugh themselves to death? It's pretty funny when it's the feared dark lord who's practically wetting himself at nothing. Even funnier that his Death Eaters are scrambling and clawing at the barrier, trying to get inside. Like kids before the toy store opens.

So that was about it. Death Eaters imprisoned, actually, most of them are in Saint Mungos and believe it or not their not faking. They actually BELIEVE that Voldemort was going to make Teddies the key enforcers in his 'new world' and that everyone should worship the teddy? Something like that. Lucius Malfoy is in there too, Draco visits him every 2nd month.

Hermione's been acting weird lately. Apparently Draco told Ron that no-one likes weasles and that even his best friend would rather have a ferret. I wouldn't talk to him for weeks after that.

A/N. One chapter left! If anyone would like a cameo in a couple of my fics that will be coming soon could you please PM me with a basic character description and a little bit on their personality and speaking pattern. PM please, not review.

Also, any challenges are welcome Any series just as long as I know it! Thankies!


	15. Ginny's POV 3

I will kill someone soon. How come no one can see me? STILL I'm a dammned GHOST I'm not frickin' invisible! The final battle was fun to watch. Especially Ron fighting Bellatrix in a tutu. I must ask Hermionie how she managed….

Oh wait. I can't

SHE CAN'T SEE ME!

Whatever, I've accepted it now. Like I've accepted Harry and Me-I mean Draco.

…..

Yup, completely accepted it.

I wish Hermione would just hurry up and tell my brother she loves him. I've been looking at her diary and even if I didn't it's painfully obvious to everyone apart from him and Harry. They suit each-other….They're both as dense as each other.

See look, even now it's obvious that Hermione is trying to get Ronald alone, the amount of times she's asked if he want's to go for a walk it's amazing she has that much dedication.

Maybe if I poke her, it would be funny if she just blurted it out to him at the breckfast table….I bet even if she whispered the entire hall would hear….Damned dynamics.

Oh, she's gonna blow Parvati's flirting with him again.

poke poke

She's going red!!!!

poke

"I LIKE WEASLES!"

:D

A/N All done Thank you for reading this fic! Next chapter will contain the actual challenge and hopefully a couple of words from Firebird Maximus as I've done some things differently to how he imagined. Please look out for my next challenge piece which will either be a new one set by Amy Riddle or a darker re-work of this one.


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